Having the Perfect Romantic Relationship

How many of you reading these lines have dreamed (and still do) about finding their One True Love?

I know, I’ve been one of these people too.

Finding the man of my dreams was always one of my deepest desires, and since I was 6 years old, I knew that out of the more than 5 billion people on Earth, there had to be one person who was right for me, and I for him.

But in order for me to find my “Prince Charming”, I had to go out into the world and explore, and boy, did I explore!

While it’s true I’ve only been in 3 serious relationships from ages 18 to 32, I too swam through many one-night stands and occasional crushes on guys who, in the end, were unrequited love. To be honest? I’m glad they were, because this allowed me to find my One True Love. My beloved Paco. And while in the process of finding him, this experience taught me a few things I’d like to share with you.

True Love is Real

I know. Many of you reading this might be feeling a little bit skeptical about this affirmation. I was too, not so long ago. After all, how can anyone claim that true love exists after so many heartbreaks and failed attempts of having a loving and healthy relationship, right?

How can anyone make such a statement and still hold some level of personal credibility? Simple. Because in Paco I have found what (or better said, who) I set myself to find.

After all that searching -and chasing around-, I finally knew a way to not only find, but also attract and keep my perfect man in my life. And no, he’s not an illusion nor a hologram, for he’s actually sitting across my desk, working on our business, while I create this blog.

Be Clear with Your Desires

We “stumbled” upon each other in the most casual of ways, and because the internet, and love, know no barriers, we were able to meet each other even when he was living across an ocean from me.

How I came to know my perfect man is actually something that anyone can do, we just need to have the appropriate tools to navigate our quest to find exactly what (or who) we are looking for. And this started after I broke up with my second ex-boyfriend, more than a decade ago.

After putting an end to what was a very unhealthy and abusive first relationship with my ex-boyfriend Liam, I met Aaron. He was the complete opposite of Liam. Aaron was kind, honest and thoughtful, however, after a year into the relationship, the magic of that romantic bubble faded away. It was no one's fault, after all, we all have experienced this love-bubble bursting after the first couple of months into almost any romantic relationship we had, and that is ok, because this allowed Aaron and I to see each other for who we truly were: not made for each other. As kind and gentle as Aaron was, there was still something that wasn’t “clicking”. I would oftenly feel I had to hide parts of who I was to keep the relationship going, and while we spoke of the things that weren’t feeling good in our relationship, the truth of the matter was, nothing was really changing. We simply weren’t choosing to go together in the same direction, and that was ok.

So, after a lot of thinking (and grieving), I finally sat down with him and told him I couldn’t keep going with our relationship. It wasn’t a fun moment for either of us, but it was what needed to be done, because this opened a door to something new: I felt the nudge to sit with myself, take stock of these past relationships and get clear on what I wanted and what I didn’t want out of my perfect romantic relationship.

Without knowing it, I was creating my first Love List, something I’d come to learn from my Spiritual Teachers Jeff & Shaleia after finding their body of work. In this first list I made, I wrote down everything I desired from my perfect love partner. And I mean everything. How I’d like him to be with me, how I'd like him to be with others, his shared desires in regards to our life together, his traits. Everything. No stone was left unturned, because being clear on our core values in a relationship is key to know exactly what it is that you are looking for in your perfect romantic life.

Learn The Lessons

Like everything in life, our experiences help us learn. We learn what we like and what we don’t. What we desire, and what we don’t.

Each experience is an opportunity to know more about ourselves and to get clear on what it is that we desire. Do we desire to experience pain, or joy? Do we desire to feel fulfilled, or empty?

Knowing the answers to these key questions is what is going to help us redirect our energy and resources from what we don’t desire towards that which we do want. And the result of doing this is simply magical and life changing.

After my first relationship with Liam, I learnt there is absolutely NOTHING that justifies being mistreated in the way that I was during that relationship. And though I learnt this the hard way, this lesson has stuck with me throughout these last 20 years.

From my relationship with Aaron, I learnt that settling for less was never a real option. After more than 3 years together, picturing a life together and being on the brink of getting engaged, I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see myself in a relationship where I’d be waiting probably years for something to change. If it wasn’t working now, despite our attempts to make it work, then nothing on the outside would have made it work. Moving in together wouldn’t have made it work, and even less so, having kids together. If anything, these things would have accelerated our discrepancies and brought up what was already obvious: we simply weren’t working out as a couple because our core values weren’t in alignment with one another. So, what would be the purpose of giving 5, 10 or 20 years of my life to a relationship I already knew was meant to fail?

Do Not Settle

I know, being honest with ourselves and our circumstances isn’t always easy, or fun, but is necessary. We owe it to ourselves to be extremely clear with what it is that we truly want. No one is going to come and show it to us, it is in our hands to give, and gift, this to ourselves.

There was no friend nor family member who could come to me and tell me what my desires are or were, I needed to figure this out on my own.

Yes, I too experienced people telling me that what I was looking for didn’t exist or that it was impossible to achieve, or that my expectations were too high, and that I should settle for less however, they were just showing me where they had given up or hadn’t been bold enough to pursue their actual dreams. And if there is something I was never good at, it was settling for less. There came a point in which I knew I’d rather be on my own than with someone with whom we were simply not meant to be, because our values weren’t matching each other’s at the core.

You see, our time and energy are the most valuable assets we have. How we choose to invest these resources makes a big difference in how we experience life. We can either invest them into our wellbeing, and into an overall sense of peace, joy and happiness, or we can spend it in ways that only leave us feeling bad and drained. How we choose to approach this is entirely up to us.

Personally, I know myself enough to know I’d much rather be the person who chooses to go after her goals and dreams, than the person who settles and then spends their entire life regretting some (if not most) of their past choices.

Be Willing to Put in The Work

This of course comes with a price. Like everything in life, when we desire something, we must then do something to help our dreams come true. So, how can we apply this in our quest to find, and have, our perfect life partner in our lives?

Simple. We must, again, look at ourselves first.

There is a quote from my Teachers, who once asked: “if you are not willing to be with yourself, to love yourself; then why would the person you love desire to be with you and love you?”

Like everything in life, it starts with ourselves first. It is us who need to be clear with our goals and dreams, it is us who need to be determined and persistent in that which we pursue, and it is us who we must love first so we may experience that joy and sense of fulfillment we so much desire to have from life. We must become our best friend, companion and lover. We must become our own most favorite person in the world first.

How can we do this? By learning how to love ourselves unconditionally. And when I say unconditionally, it really means without conditions.

You screwed up that big presentation at work? You learn from the mistakes and decide to do better next time. You were expecting that friend to call you, but they never did and you lost your whole weekend waiting for them to call you? You learn to better value your time. You just love yourself instead of judging yourself for “not knowing better”, and choose to make out of these situations a learning experience, because in reality, this is what they truly are.

You simply choose to learn and know better, and as you do, almost without notice, you will naturally attract your perfect partner, because they will be reflecting every self-loving decision you make.

Keep Them Forever With You

At the very beginning of this article, I said I too was looking for my perfect man. Now, what would be the purpose of finding them if not to be with them for the rest of our lives?

We not only can attract our perfect romantic partner, we can also be with them forever. All we need to do is learn how to have a healthy relationship with both ourselves and them. Here is when I share with you our secret to growing closer and deeper in love each day: we practice a very simple, yet very powerful exercise that has been helping us, and many other couples, move through some of our major challenges as a couple, and we know it will help you too. This tool is called the Mirror Exercise, which we have learned from our Spiritual Teachers, Jeff & Shaleia Ayan. With it, we can connect with how we are feeling about any given situation or person (including your beloved) and find the places within us that require to be loved, just like I was showing you in the examples above.

By creating this regular practice, we not only cultivate more love in ourselves, we also become more mature, emotionally stable and capable of communicating our needs and desires in a much clearer and calmer way. We also learn to set better boundaries in our relationships, providing the much needed space, comfort and joy of being on our own skin.

We become whole again, and when we do, all our best traits come to light, thus attracting the person that is right for us. The one designed to be with us, the one that “gets us” in every possible way. The person we all came to know as our One True Love through movies and tv shows. Only thing is, this time it is you who gets to have your happy ending.

So, if you are ready to be with the man (or woman) of your dreams, let us show you the way. Your perfect romantic partner awaits.

Déborah Bassow

10 views0 comments